Parenting & Divorce: Meeting The Needs of Our Children Part 2
See part 1 of this article here: Parenting & Divorce: Meeting the Needs of Our Children Part 1
Role of Parents During Divorce
At the end of this blog post is a tool entitled, The Parent’s Promise and no matter what stage of divorce you are in, some or all of these items will apply to you. This document was written by children of divorce for children of divorce. Please ensure that you are adhering to these promises should you move forward towards the divorce decision. Prior to, during, and after your divorce, when interacting with your children always ask yourself, “Is this behavior helping or hurting my child?”
Your role as a parent is to put your children first. No matter whose choice the divorce was or whose fault it was, one thing is for sure — it was not the choice of the children. We must look out for their best interests during this time.
Communication
Communication is another responsibility of the parent. Depending upon the stage of divorce that you are in, it is very important for you to communicate with your children about this event. In the initial communication to the children, it is optimal if both parents can communicate about the divorce together; however this may not always be possible.
Children are very perceptive and it is best for you to be open and honest with them. It is very important that your children know you are not leaving them and that both of you still love them very much. For further information on communicating with your children about your divorce, please refer to the book, Good Parenting Through Your Divorce by Mary Ellen Hannibal (2002).
The Parent’s Promise
Written by Children of Divorce for Children of Divorce
For the greatest good of my child ______I hereby agree that:
- I will not speak negatively about my child’s other parent to my child.
- I will not say to my child “that (insert negative behavior or characteristic) is just like your father/mother”.
- I agree to not put my child in the middle of issues with their other parent (esp. child support).
- I agree to not use my child as a pawn to get back at their other parent.
- I agree that if my child’s parent has a new relationship that I will not speak negatively of this other person to my child.
- I will not expect my child to support my emotional health.
- I will periodically ask my child how they are doing.
- I will do my best to fully support my child during this process.
- I will allow my child to be a child during this time.
- I will seek outside professional counseling if I need to speak with someone about this situation or if I am having difficulty maintaining this agreement.
- I agree that if I do not uphold the above promises that I personally am not acting in the best interest of my child’s physical and emotional health.
- I will speak with my child’s coach/counselor once a month to gain further insight.
By agreeing to the Parent’s Promise I am accepting responsibility as a parent to provide the best environment possible during this transition for my child. In upholding these promises, I am also acknowledging to my child that they have no fault in this decision that was made by their parents. I am fully committed to the best interest of my child’s emotional and physical health during this time and to their future growth and development.
Honestly and with much love, I commit to this for my child. (Signed, __________)
Copyright Shannon Rios 2002. Reprinted by permission only.
Shannon R. Rios Paulsen MS LMFT (www.inlovewithme.com) has spent the last 12 years learning, writing, and coaching about self-love. She is a professional life coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist. She is the author of two best-selling guided meditations: The Healing Journey Within: Meditations for Abundance and Love, Volume I (Deserving) and Volume II (Manifesting). She also wrote the best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict (www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com). Shannon lives in Denver, CO with her Swedish husband whom she met on one of her solo self-love journeys in Thailand.
Children are resilient and they will make it through this event. However, I also want you to know that your behavior and the actions you take will have a major impact on your children and their lives. It is very positive that you are reading this blog series. It says that you are curious and that you want to understand how your divorce may impact or has impacted your children.
If you answered Yes to any of the above, you may be choosing, consciously or unconsciously, to stay stuck. You do have to move through the stages of grief, and there is no fixed time limit for that to occur, however, where ever you are in the grieving process, this chapter will help you move forward. This place of being stopped can sometimes feel safer and easier than taking the steps to move forward. It may be unclear to you what steps you need to take. The truth is that if you are choosing to stay stuck, you are choosing to not move on from this relationship. You could also feel that you are punishing your child’s other parent. However, you are truly punishing yourself and your child by not moving forward. While it may be true that your co-parent hurt you or wronged you in some way, the truth is that you were 50% of that relationship. You now have to make a choice. You can choose to move on to create a healthy environment for you and your child or you can stay stuck in a place of anger and pain over a relationship that no longer exists. You can be the victim, but know that victims are not healthy parents.
Spending time with a counselor provides your child with one-on-one time with an adult who is focused on them. This can be especially crucial if parents are struggling emotionally. When I work with children, we sometimes discuss and process difficult things. We also have fun together. I always spend some time with each child doing something that they enjoy doing. There is always time in my sessions where the child has complete control. Children can sometimes feel out of control during the divorce.
You can contest everything else, but one thing that we know to be true is your child did not choose this divorce. I believe that since this divorce or separation was the decision of adults, you have the responsibility to make this situation the easiest possible for your child. Sometimes, you may feel put out. I am here to tell you that your child feels put out a lot. It is important to realize how much your choices have impacted or will impact your child. Even if you feel that you did not choose this divorce/separation, you still chose this other person to have a child with. You must take responsibility and make this situation the best possible for your child. To do this, you must understand their needs…. Your child needs you to communicate with them… All children crave one-on-one time with their parents. This is so important to your children; it makes them feel special and loved. I advise parents to call this time “date night with the kids” or something similar.