How Dating Can Cause Stress For Your Child

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The truth about dating is that it can cause stress for your children. You impact their level of stress by your actions.

It is my view that parents must do all things possible to mitigate the effects of the divorce on their children. One easy way to do this is to be conscious of your dating. Dating done wrong has the potential to cause stress for children for three crucial reasons, and they are important to understand.

To The Child, Parent Dating Signifies The End Of The Marriage Relationship.  The first reason parental dating causes stress for children is that dating signifies to children the end of their parents’ marriage relationship. Children usually fantasize that their parents will reunite. Once children are aware that a parent is beginning a new relationship and that someone else is coming into the picture, they know that probably there is no hope of their parents reconciling and reuniting. This realization can be stressful and can cause sadness, fear and/or anger for children.

Children May Feel Jealous Of This New Person. When you begin dating, the second reason children of divorce feel stress is that they may feel jealous. They may not want to share your time together with a new “outsider.” This is especially true if they only see you for visits on weekends or it is early in your divorce/separation process. It can feel scary for kids to have to “get along” with this new person. Your child may feel threatened by this other person, they may fear this person will hurt you or take you away from them. This is a very common fear for children.

I want parents to also understand that sometimes kids just pretend to like your new partner because they know it will make you happy. Do not force anyone on your children. If you do begin dating someone, slowly introduce them. Do not make your child feel like they are in competition with your dating partner for your time and attention.

Dating stress childYou should explain to your child that there are many kinds of love. The kind of love a parent has for their child will always be there, no matter whom else comes into the picture. Your child was there first, therefore, they will always be first. Let them know that you as a parent need to have friends and other people in your life; this makes you happy. However, the love you feel for your child is a very different and special kind of love that you will never feel for another adult.

The Other Parent’s Anger And Jealousy. The third reason your dating can cause stress for your children, which can sometimes be very emotionally damaging, is the anger or upset their other parent displays now that you are dating. Parents make children feel guilty that they are spending time with their other parent and someone new.

Parents make it known that they have great disdain for this other person. It is the parent’s own jealousy that drives this behavior but it negatively impacts your child. The child cannot even discuss their time with you because if they mention the new person in their mother or father’s life, it sets their other parent off. They may feel guilty that they are spending time with this other person. Once again, this is another good reason to hold off on introducing a new person too early.

Children are our future, let’s all agree to treat them with the love, respect and caring that they deserve, especially during the dating after separation/divorce process. This includes taking care of yourself, making sure that you spend quality one-on-one time with your children, and ensuring that all potential dating partners will be good role models for your children.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: https://inlovewithme.com/books

Spokes of Leadership

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As I recently was working with a  leader who had just taken a new role in the organization, a very high level role, we discussed all of his “spokes”.

Spokes are the many aspects of your leadership in your life and or work.

spokes of leadershipWhat are the important areas that you want to focus on?  The vision, the people, the process, the change, the product, leadership style, recognition?  This leader needed to communicate his big vision to his team .  He needed to really become clear on the spokes that make his wheel go around.  I asked him to list everything  (all important areas) and then fill in on his sheet (in a big circle) all the aspects that he wanted to communicate to his team about each of these areas.   I asked him to post them in his office when he was complete.

For some of us, getting visual is a really big key in helping us carry out our goals.  When it is nebulous in our minds, it can be hard to execute and communicate to others.  Especially for new leaders, this is a very crucial activity to ensure they are driving the vision of their team.

I encourage you to decide what are the spokes of your wheel in your personal life or your business life.  Then assess what you want to accomplish in each area.  Then communicate that to your team, your leader or your family.  You could also do this as a team or a family exercise.

Happy biking!!

Executive Leadership Coach and Health of Leaders

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executive leadership coach and foodIn part of my business I work as an executive leadership coach.

I love this work, assisting leaders in being the best possible leader for their people.  This work always focuses on the leaders overall health.  Again if they are not healthy they will not create healthy teams and organizations.

As I worked with one leader as her executive leadership coach, I discussed my own personal journey of not eating sugar/gluten and making a good green smoothie in the morning for breakfast.   She was really interested in my journey and I told her the book I had just read “Wheat Belly” and explained how all of this food can really negatively impact us.

Little do I sometimes know how much my words impact others.   In a meeting a couple months later she said to me “I have to tell you that I have now eliminated gluten/wheat from my diet”.  She went on to explain that she has diabetes and that this practice has made her feel significantly better and lowered her blood sugar levels were more regulated and had lowered.  So much that her medical doctor said, “what what have you been doing”.  When she told her doctor what she had committed to the doctor said “wow that must be hard to give up wheat”.  My leader said “and giving yourself shots every day is easy?”.  I was so proud of her!   This is the most positive form of self leadership and love and I can imagine!

What can you commit to today to bring your nutrition and health leadership to the next level??

It’s not the years in your life….but the life in your years

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So true.  I found this today (August 28, 2013) as I was looking for a frame for a photo for someone who is very sick and has a very slight chance to live.  I almost feel like the angels had me find this so I knew that she had a good life overall and that she has really enjoyed her time with my Dad.  She has been my Dad’s partner the last 18 months but I will have to say that these may have been the best 18 months of his life.  They were two peas in a pod; got up early, went to bed early.  They liked to cook fish and live in the middle of nowhere in WI.  They both enjoyed having a partner.  He even got her to sleep on an air mattress (every night).   I am sad for the potential loss of a good partnership.  They sometimes seem challenging to come by these days.  As I begin my own next chapter of my partnership with my partner, it really makes me think.  I am truly glad that I do this work in the world.  I don’t think I could really do anything else.  If I am not helping others live their best life, then I would not be doing what I came here to do.  I had told Rose that she was what my Dad needed, a strong woman.  I think partnership takes huge strength and love of ourselves.  That is the entire concept of my work www.inlovewithme.com and www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com .  Truly if you love yourself you will raise the healthiest children.  If you are not happy in your relationships, you have to look to yourself and question the amount of love you have for yourself.  Life is way too short not to.

Today I want to thank Rose, for showing me what good partnership looks like, for being a strong woman and for loving my dad.  “It is not the Years in Your Life…..But the Life in Your Years…”.  You have really touched my life.

What can you do to love yourself deeper today, to take care of yourself better today, to love someone else today?

rose and dad photo

IN LOVING MEMORY OF ROSE

September 3, 1941 – August 30, 2013

One Step Closer to You

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Self-love is all about becoming closer to ourselves. This 4th of July, doing yoga on the rocks and listening to Michael Franti at the Red Rocks Ampitheatre brought me closer to myself.

Taking the time to reflect and look inward can be a challenge for us all in this day and age of busy-ness and technology.

What I find is that when I slow down and take time to meditate, I truly accomplish more. And life seems so much easier. On this 4th of July weekend as we celebrate our freedom in the U.S.A., it’s a wonderful time to think about how each of us can be more free every moment of our day.

At the end of our lives, we will never look back and wish we had been busier. We most likely will be so grateful for all the small things we took time to appreciate and cherish.  The first key is appreciation and cherishing ourselves, and then others.

My wish for you is your ultimate freedom and love. I encourage you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and envision yourself surrounded by love. You are pure love. You are pure freedom.

You are my Sunshine!

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I have always loved that song! This past 4th of July, Michael Franti was my sunshine! In this video, we were doing yoga on the rocks and Red Rocks Ampitheatre! Wow, what an experience! If you’ve never been there, you must go!

As Michael sang, “that the sound of the sunshine coming down” I looked up at the beautiful sun above me and felt so grateful. I truly do feel the amazing love energy of the sun! Whenever I have the chance, I stand in the sun’s light and close my eyes, it just feels so wonderful and healing to me. We have so many healing opportunities around us, but many of us are moving too fast to really appreciate them and truly take them in. I have really been conscious lately about living in the “flow” of life. I’ve been calmer and breathing deeper. As a child, I always felt stressed and worried. As an adult, I know I am safe and loved. But sometimes I need a reminder to reset myself again. This is your reminder! Bask in the sunshine, live in the flow, and In-Joy your life!
With Love and Hugs,
Shannon (and my wonderful friend, Melanie, the other amazing yogi!)