The Parent Left Standing: What To Tell Your Child If Their Other Parent Checks Out

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There are many different scenarios where parents leave the life of their child. One scenario I have dealt with in my practice was a mother who left her 2-1/2-year-old son in the care of the girl’s father while she left the state due to drug use and another pregnancy. This mother had been a good mother and had been very involved in her son’s life prior to this time. The boy’s father, who was not sure when or if his son’s mom would return, said the following to their young son:

  • Your mom loves you.

  • She is sick and has to take care of herself to get better.

  • I am here for you and love you very much.

If a parent is in prison, one method I have used to tell the child is that the parent is learning to be a better parent and person, which is hopefully true. If you are not sure where and when the parent may return, you can say the following:

  • I know your parent loves you (all parents love their kids). Do not say negative things about the other parent, you will only hurt your child.

  • Remember the good things about mom/dad? If possible, talk about these things with your child and the happy memories they have with their other parent.

  • Mom/dad has made some poor choices but she is a good person inside, this good place is the place you came from.

Have your child write a letter to or draw a picture for the other parent if they are upset or sad or have a happy event they want to share with the other parent. Tell them they can give this to their parent when they see them again. I suggest a mom or dad box that they put the letters in.

Make sure to tell your child how much you love them and how happy you are that they are in your life. Tell them you are here to stay forever, but make sure you mean it. Remind the child of the good times they’ve had and how much their other parent loves them.

Remember you chose to have your children, please continue to choose them. They will be adults before you can blink your eyes. I can tell you that adults are much less forgiving than children. I hope no one ever told you that being a parent would be an easy job. If they did, they were wrong! Sometimes the most amazing things in life were the most difficult at one point in our lives. Don’t check out on your children, check into their lives. They need you.

Click here to Purchase at Amazon.com

 

 

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: https://inlovewithme.com/book

Food and Health Issue I: My Story

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I have known for a very long time that food is crucial to our health.  However, in college I honestly did not have the financial means to buy a lot of healthy food.  Once I graduated with a great corporate job, I did allow myself a better food budget.  However, being single, I lived mainly on snacks, carbohydrates and processed foods.   I had grown up in one of the first generations where both parents worked and betty crocker and her boxed foods had entered our kitchen.  It was not long before I bought into the low fat movement with foods laden with nasty chemicals that over time I truly believe slowly destroy our intestines.  Not to mention a steady diet of the modified wheat  we eat today that our bodies react so negatively too (ie inflammation).

Image courtesy of Nezezon/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is really no surprise that in my late 30s I developed autoimmune issues.  However I initially had no idea it was related to the food I ate.  This condition left me feeling so sick I had no idea what to do.  I had arthritis symptoms in my joints and it was so bad I could not even do yoga.  This was completely debilitating to me because I was a longtime yoga practitioner and avid jogger.  I also woke up in the morning with the symptoms of chronic fatigue, feeling so exhausted upon waking.  I had never before understood how this really felt.  It was so debilitating that I started to get complaints from clients.  I did not hardly have the energy to work.  This was a disastrous situation working for myself with no sick days.  I went to Drs, I tried remedies.   I became depressed because I had no idea how to feel better and I now realized food and health is the foundation of our lives.

 

Stay tuned for Issue 2: The Change in Course – Next Week!

How Dating Can Cause Stress For Your Child

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The truth about dating is that it can cause stress for your children. You impact their level of stress by your actions.

It is my view that parents must do all things possible to mitigate the effects of the divorce on their children. One easy way to do this is to be conscious of your dating. Dating done wrong has the potential to cause stress for children for three crucial reasons, and they are important to understand.

To The Child, Parent Dating Signifies The End Of The Marriage Relationship.  The first reason parental dating causes stress for children is that dating signifies to children the end of their parents’ marriage relationship. Children usually fantasize that their parents will reunite. Once children are aware that a parent is beginning a new relationship and that someone else is coming into the picture, they know that probably there is no hope of their parents reconciling and reuniting. This realization can be stressful and can cause sadness, fear and/or anger for children.

Children May Feel Jealous Of This New Person. When you begin dating, the second reason children of divorce feel stress is that they may feel jealous. They may not want to share your time together with a new “outsider.” This is especially true if they only see you for visits on weekends or it is early in your divorce/separation process. It can feel scary for kids to have to “get along” with this new person. Your child may feel threatened by this other person, they may fear this person will hurt you or take you away from them. This is a very common fear for children.

I want parents to also understand that sometimes kids just pretend to like your new partner because they know it will make you happy. Do not force anyone on your children. If you do begin dating someone, slowly introduce them. Do not make your child feel like they are in competition with your dating partner for your time and attention.

Dating stress childYou should explain to your child that there are many kinds of love. The kind of love a parent has for their child will always be there, no matter whom else comes into the picture. Your child was there first, therefore, they will always be first. Let them know that you as a parent need to have friends and other people in your life; this makes you happy. However, the love you feel for your child is a very different and special kind of love that you will never feel for another adult.

The Other Parent’s Anger And Jealousy. The third reason your dating can cause stress for your children, which can sometimes be very emotionally damaging, is the anger or upset their other parent displays now that you are dating. Parents make children feel guilty that they are spending time with their other parent and someone new.

Parents make it known that they have great disdain for this other person. It is the parent’s own jealousy that drives this behavior but it negatively impacts your child. The child cannot even discuss their time with you because if they mention the new person in their mother or father’s life, it sets their other parent off. They may feel guilty that they are spending time with this other person. Once again, this is another good reason to hold off on introducing a new person too early.

Children are our future, let’s all agree to treat them with the love, respect and caring that they deserve, especially during the dating after separation/divorce process. This includes taking care of yourself, making sure that you spend quality one-on-one time with your children, and ensuring that all potential dating partners will be good role models for your children.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: https://inlovewithme.com/books

Choosing To Heal Ourselves

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Sometimes when relationships end, it can be difficult to move forward with our lives. We may choose to stay stuck in the pain versus push through it to move forward with our lives.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I still feel angry with my child’s other parent?

2. Do I still feel very sad, like I can’t move on because I am still upset?

3. Do I still blame my child’s other parent for my pain and hurt?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you may be choosing, consciously or unconsciously, to stay stuck. You do have to move through the stages of grief, and there is no fixed time limit for that to occur. This place of being stopped can sometimes feel safer and easier than taking the steps to move forward. It may be unclear to you what steps you need to take. The truth is that if you are choosing to stay stuck, you are choosing to not move on from this relationship. You could also feel that you are punishing your child’s other parent. However, you are truly punishing yourself and your child by not moving forward. While it may be true that your co-parent hurt you or wronged you in some way, the truth is that you were 50% of that relationship. You now have a choice. You can choose to move on to create a healthy environment for you and your child or you can stay stuck in a place of anger and pain over a relationship that no longer exists. You can be the victim, but know that victims are not healthy parents.

I am not minimizing how challenging this can seem, I just want you to understand that you have a choice. The good news is that I completely believe that this experience you have endured can assist you in creating your best life. The catch is that you must view this experience as an opportunity for growth and healing.

Am I telling you this process will be easy? No. Am I telling you it is possible to move forward successfully? Yes. I ask you to do this for yourself and for your child. You both deserve it. You are thinking about your child and you want to be the best parent for your child. You deserve the most amazing life possible. If you use this experience as an opportunity to heal, you will be able to better love yourself and love your child. You will also be able to be a better partner should you decide to pursue that in the future. So, I ask you to just be open to what may show up for you.

One thing I have learned is that in order to be the best partner and parent possible, I must choose to heal my own wounds and hurts. Know that you are responsible for your own happiness that your happiness depends solely on you. You alone have the power to create your happiness. I believe it is completely common for us to look to someone else to help us heal and feel loved. We usually play this out in the form of our romantic relationships. The deeper the pain we felt as children, the deeper our wounds are to heal through relationships.

The most important relationship of all is our relationship with our self. No one else can ever make us feel happy on a deep level; we must do that for ourselves. As Michael Oddenino says:  “A person can only love someone to the extent that they love themselves.”

Something has become fully clear to me through my own journey working to understand relationships and our role in the success or failure of relationships. We must be aware and reflect on ourselves and our reactions during the relationship and at the end of any relationship. If we do this, we will learn and grow and be able to create better future relationships. Being able to create and sustain healthy relationships is important for us. It also provides a healthy model for our children so they have a better chance of creating good relationships in their lives.

Click here to Purchase at Amazon.com

 

 

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others.   She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com.

If you enjoyed this article, her best selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: https://inlovewithme.com/books

Spokes of Leadership

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As I recently was working with a  leader who had just taken a new role in the organization, a very high level role, we discussed all of his “spokes”.

Spokes are the many aspects of your leadership in your life and or work.

spokes of leadershipWhat are the important areas that you want to focus on?  The vision, the people, the process, the change, the product, leadership style, recognition?  This leader needed to communicate his big vision to his team .  He needed to really become clear on the spokes that make his wheel go around.  I asked him to list everything  (all important areas) and then fill in on his sheet (in a big circle) all the aspects that he wanted to communicate to his team about each of these areas.   I asked him to post them in his office when he was complete.

For some of us, getting visual is a really big key in helping us carry out our goals.  When it is nebulous in our minds, it can be hard to execute and communicate to others.  Especially for new leaders, this is a very crucial activity to ensure they are driving the vision of their team.

I encourage you to decide what are the spokes of your wheel in your personal life or your business life.  Then assess what you want to accomplish in each area.  Then communicate that to your team, your leader or your family.  You could also do this as a team or a family exercise.

Happy biking!!

Executive Leadership Coach and Health of Leaders

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executive leadership coach and foodIn part of my business I work as an executive leadership coach.

I love this work, assisting leaders in being the best possible leader for their people.  This work always focuses on the leaders overall health.  Again if they are not healthy they will not create healthy teams and organizations.

As I worked with one leader as her executive leadership coach, I discussed my own personal journey of not eating sugar/gluten and making a good green smoothie in the morning for breakfast.   She was really interested in my journey and I told her the book I had just read “Wheat Belly” and explained how all of this food can really negatively impact us.

Little do I sometimes know how much my words impact others.   In a meeting a couple months later she said to me “I have to tell you that I have now eliminated gluten/wheat from my diet”.  She went on to explain that she has diabetes and that this practice has made her feel significantly better and lowered her blood sugar levels were more regulated and had lowered.  So much that her medical doctor said, “what what have you been doing”.  When she told her doctor what she had committed to the doctor said “wow that must be hard to give up wheat”.  My leader said “and giving yourself shots every day is easy?”.  I was so proud of her!   This is the most positive form of self leadership and love and I can imagine!

What can you commit to today to bring your nutrition and health leadership to the next level??